Hyvee: More than just Frozen Pizzas

I've known for a long time that Hyvee sold more than lunch meats and frozen pizzas, but I've never made it beyond the produce aisle to see just what they sold. Apparently, the options are endless. At the Waterfront Hyvee (my area grocery store), an entire staff of loyal Hyveeans are waiting to serve customers fried chicken, Chinese food, and more potato and pasta salads worth mentioning. This week, I'll compare two of their choices: The fried chicken option and Chinese--which, if any, is worth purchasing?

Let's start with the disappointing. If chicken and rice counts as Chinese food, then the Chicken and rice soup needs to be moved into the "Foreign Cuisine" aisle. Just because you dip chicken pieces in some kind of sauce and throw it over steamed rice doesn't make it Chinese (they don't even serve it in a stereotypical, albeit standard, takeout box). I ordered the two entree dish because I couldn't decide between sweet and sour chicken and general's chicken (apparently, it's supposed to be spicy). I hurried home, threw in a movie, and popped open the plastic lid and started. Five minutes later, I gave more than half of the food to my roommate and made a bowl of cereal.

As I've stated in previous posts, I'm picky about my Chinese (or Japanese) food. Hyvee should just stop selling their variety. No, it wasn't expensive (about $6 for two entrees, rice, and an egg roll), but the quality wasn't worth it. Verdict: Skip it.

Now on to the more promising option. I've long been a fan of fried chicken, so I was a bit weary of ordering it from a grocery store. The three-piece dinner was $6.99 and came with two sides, but no drink. At first, I thought this a little expensive...until the woman took my order.

"What would you like?" she asks.

"The three piece meal," I respond.

"Okay," she says, then pauses. I wait, then she says, "Well, which three pieces would you like?"

As it turns out, you can choose any three pieces of chicken: If you're not a leg and wing type of guy, choose something else. At other restaurants, including KFC, you're almost always served one breast and a leg (or wing). At Hyvee, they'll gladly give you three breasts--if that's what you want. The meal also includes two sides. Because I had frozen corn at home, I decided on double mashed potatoes (my weakness). This day, I again went home, sat down, and started eating. And, for a second time, I couldn't finish my meal--but for entirely different reasons. While I didn't care to finish Hyvee's Chinese food, they had given me way too much of their fried chicken order. I saved half of it and finished it the next afternoon. VERDICT: WORTH IT


A quick note about the Waterfront Hyvee: If you're on a quest for chicken and beer (who isn't?), you might want to head to another location--their liquor department has been closed until the middle of May for (once again) selling booze to underage kids...

Grand Theft Auto IV made me poor. Let's go to Taco Bell.

This week's blog isn't very cool. Sorry. I can't afford to go try some new fancy schmancy restaurant this week, and here's why: I ordered Grand Theft Auto IV and a new pair of shoes (they're velcro!) within a week. Now rent and bills are due soon, so I have to really ration myself when it comes to spending. I could write about something I made at home, but most of the things I make either A) come out of a box or B) have already been written about in this blog (aka grilling). Luckily, something exciting has happened recently at Taco Bell.

The Bacon Club Chalupa is back, but only for a limited time. For those of you who have tried it, it's ok to shed a tear. For those of you who have not, stop wasting your life. It's delicious.

It's pretty much your standard chicken chalupa: lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and chicken. But then they throw a bunch of bacon in the mix along with a tasty sauce. Chicken, bacon, "tangy club sauce", other stuff. Awesome. The only problem is, it costs about $2.50, and in my eyes, that's pricey for T Bell.

Now for the best part. In honor of the Bacon Club Chalupa, Taco Bell has created the Big Bell Box Meal. Here's what you get for $5.00:
- 1 Bacon Club Chalupa
- 1 Crunchy Taco
- 1 Bean and Rice Burrito
- 1 order of Cinnamon Twists
- 1 large drink

The only problem is, the whole thing adds up to be about 1,150 calories plus the drink. A lot, I know, but what did you expect?

I know some people might be able to eat all of this in one sitting. I know I wouldn't, and that makes this an even better deal. Two meals for $5.00!

If you're on a budget and you don't feel like cooking or going to grocery shopping, go to Taco Bell for a couple of cheap meals. But you need to hurry! When the Bacon Club Chalupa disappears, so might this delicious deal.

Not your Grandmother's grocery store

The entrance to the New Pioneer Co-op is tiny and unassuming, a nondescript portal on a nondescript brick building. However, passing through the entrance is a feeling that I imagine is akin to what one feels upon discovering an ancient Egyptian tomb laden with opulent treasures, air thick with intriguing aromas, and staffed by cashiers with full-sleeve tattoos ('k... maybe not that last one).

"The co-op" as it is affectionately known by most who shop there (and justifiably so, as it is the only one in the area) has locations at 22 S. Van Buren St in Iowa City across from the city offices, and 1101 2nd St in Coralville (though i have never been to the newer Coralville location, it looks somewhat more upscale from the road).

I lived in Iowa City for a full year before I knew the co-op existed, and even then it was only brought to my attention by my vegan older sister, a former resident of Iowa City who has, shall we say, an eclectic palate (my dad routinely refers to her diet as "mulch"). True, the co-op does indeed cater to the vegan, vegetarian and organic-only crowd much more so than any other grocer in the area, but they also boast an impressive meat counter with fresh fish of all varieties, as well as hard to find meats such as venison, lamb, and ground buffalo, the latter of which makes a delicious burger. An entire aisle is devoted to their copious beer and wine selection, each carefully selected by their specialist, Tom.

The catch to shopping at the co-op, and the one thing which probably makes many students avoid it, is that you must either buy a membership, or pay an additional fee every time you shop there. However, the membership is a one-time payment of sixty dollars (no annual renewal required unlike Costco or Sam's Club) and, much like stock, you get this fee fully refunded upon resigning. Critics of shopping at cooperatives like this one cite excessive cost, but the co-op allows its members to volunteer and receive a discount on its products. For a mere nine hours a month, a member gets 30% off the first $200 worth of groceries that month, a savings of $60, almost the equivalent of being paid minimum wage. For those willing to put in a little work for the extra quality, your taste buds will thank you.

A Morning Worthy of Muffins

I awoke this morning to a lulling patter, the clearest of indications I was to stay inside. There were stairs to sweep, and some dishes to wash. And of course, a bit of homework I might drag myself to finish. There were, in essence, plenty of normal, morning-ly things to be done.

But just as I sat down to read the newspaper, a waft of decomposing bananas hit me. That, coupled with the blindingly green grass and itsy-bitsy violets bursting in my yard, led me astray. Clearly, the pre-noon hours had to be spent baking and breathing in the bliss that is spring. Breathing in from under a roof, mind you.



So as the rain coaxed fuschia blossoms from my neighbor's magnolia tree, I took to some butter and flour. Within just a few minutes my house smelled of cinnamon-infused bananas. Birds chirped, my roommate cooed. And a harmonious eau de magnolia/lilac/violet/rain mingled with the muffins browning in the oven. How nice.



Rainy Morning Banana Muffins
Adapted from Epicurious

1 1/2 cups all purpose flour
2/3 cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (about 2 large)
1 large egg
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted
1/4 cup milk
1 tsp. vanilla
1 tsp. cinnamon

Preheat oven to 350°F. Line twelve 1/3-cup muffin cups with foil muffin liners. Mix flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in large bowl. Mix mashed bananas, egg, melted butter, milk, vanilla and cinnamon in medium bowl. Stir banana mixture into dry ingredients just until blended (do not overmix).

Divide batter among prepared muffin cups, filling each about 3/4 full. Bake muffins until tops are pale golden and tester inserted into center comes out clean, about 32 minutes. Transfer muffins to rack; cool.

The Smell of Charcoal

Is there anything better than the smell of charcoal on a spring evening? (Food-wise, that is.) After deciding against leftover pasta for dinner, there was only one thing floating through my mind: It's 80 degrees outside, I haven't fired up the grill since last summer, and there's cold Blue Moon in the fridge.

A quick journey to Hyvee later, and I returned with half a dozen brats, a gigantic bag of Doritos (the bag is marked "FAMILY" for a reason), and hot dog buns. The total cost: 80 cents each for the brats (Hyvee carries four varieties of them, including pineapple), $3.50 for the chips, and about a dollar for the hot dog buns--of course, you can divide the total by three since there was a trio working on eating the food. Also keep in mind, however, that you'll have to buy charcoal the first time around (the Hyvee brand will suffice) and lighter fluid. And, if you haven't already purchased one, a grill. Of course.

Since I have the last three things on the list already, the total cost for each person was around $3.50.

So, once you get home, it's time to fire up the grill and get started. Now, I'm no expert when it comes to charcoal (but please don't switch to gas, because the food just doesn't taste the same), but my strategy seems to work all right: Don't use too much charcoal, get a good flame started in the middle, and when they're smoldering, close the lid and let the trapped heat do its thing. This may not be the best way to do it, but it works for me--if it doesn't for you, play around a little. Don't worry that it might take a little while--sit back, drink a beer (or three) and play catch with your roommates.
















After about half an hour, I was ready to throw the brats on. Before I did this, I boiled all six on the oven in advance. I'm not sure if this takes away from the quality at all, but they sure cook a lot quicker on the grill--after they're completely steamed through (they'll look gray as they float in the water), take them out, throw them on the grill, and listen to the sizzle. Burn them on each side (a crunchy brat is a good brat), add condiments, and enjoy.

It's not the fastest meal you'll ever make. In fact, it's probably one of the slowest. But on a beautiful spring evening, time doesn't matter, does it? Turn off the TV, leave the iPod inside, and listen to the sounds of nature--or, if you live near me, motorcycles, passing cars, and the sorority girls on their way home from class. ("Oh my God, we should totally grill out tonight, you guys!")

Good idea, Kappa Kappa Gamma.

Taking a Trip

So I'll admit that I haven't eaten the food yet. In fact, I just recently heard of the place. We'll call this a food preview--and perhaps an analysis of, you know, stepping outside of downtown Iowa City for a good meal.

A coworker, who lives in Tiffin, Iowa (just a few miles west of Coralville), recently argued that John's Ice Cream Store & Restaurant has the best pork tenderloin in Iowa. Now, I'm no expect on the tenderloin, but I've had them a time or two, and I'll admit: They're tasty. But am I going to go all the way out to Tiffin just to try one? Of course not.

As it turns out, however, Tiffin is about a three minute drive from the Coral Ridge Mall. Literally. If you're brave enough to venture down Hwy. 6 (past the mall, past Lowe's), you'll find small-town Iowa in all its glory: A gas station, a neighborhood, and a restaurant/ice cream joint. For a city-dweller, I get a kick out of such places.

Last weekend I made the journey to Tiffin in search of the alleged "best tenderloin in Iowa," and was disappointed...not at the food, no, but because I didn't even get a chance to eat there. It seems that Tiffin natives, unlike their Iowa City counterparts, don't need their local eateries open at 3 AM. It's a shame, I know. Now, I didn't expect them to be open at 3 AM, but the late evening hours seemed appropriate; unfortunately, they were closed when I arrived. So what's a food writer to blog about? Dairy Queen? I think not!


I was wholeheartedly against the trip when I first heard about John's. Sure, it might be good, but I'm not going all the way out there for food. As it happens, it's not that far away after all. See, in the land of fast food (that would be downtown Iowa City, folks), we're afraid to step outside of our comfort zone and try something different. Hopefully we've done that on occasion here at Lord of the Fries, but I really wanted to review an eatery outside the borders of our sheltered university community--somewhere accessible, mind you, but not a regular destination for UI students.

So here's my promise: I'll go to John's before next Wednesday and report on the food. I'm excited to try it now, even if I'll have to drive just to get there (Has anyone checked gas prices lately?) But if I'm going to go, you need to go too. No, not to John's (though you can if you like). Try something other than downtown Iowa City or Coralville. When you're hungry and on the road, stop at the first place you see, especially if you've never tried it. Thai? Give it a try!

Next week: John's Ice Cream Store & Restaurant. In case you'd like to beat me to it, the directions area displayed below for your convenience:

231 W Marengo Rd, Tiffin, IA (Find your way to Hwy. 6, head west, and keep going!)
(319) 645-2558



UPDATE: John's doesn't seem to be open when I can make it out there, so I've replaced my journey this week with a "take to the yard and grill" piece. I still haven't given up home, though--this weekend could (finally) be the one.

A letter to Iowa City about hot dogs

Dear Iowa City,

Hello old friend. It's been a while, I know. I'm sorry for being so distant lately, but lately I've had some things on my mind. I didn't know how to tell you, but, well, okay enough beating around the bush. I'm just going to come right out and say it, and I'm sorry if it hurts, but it needs to be said.

You've got a problem with your hot dogs.

You see, as we move closer towards spring and further into the baseball season, I can't help but think of the season's perfect edible companion: a Chicago-style hot dog. The thought of one makes me salivate like Pavlov's dog in a bell tower.

So Iowa City, what's the deal? Tell me why you can't provide this simple service. And don't try and tell me they have them at the Skybox, located at 124 1/2 Washington St. I've been there, and those hot dogs cost $5.00 - $6.00, and that's without fries. Are you kidding me? For a hot dog? A hot dog should cost no more $3.00, maybe $3.75.

Also, in Chicago, a place that sells Chicago-style hot dogs sells much, much more. I'm talking gyros, Italian beef, sausage, ribs, and burgers. These are places like Portillo's, Nicky's Red Hots, Superdawg, etc.

I mean, you have a place called Old Chicago, located at 75 2nd St. in Coralville, and it doesn't even have hot dogs, let alone anything else I just listed, except for hamburgers. But what place doesn't have hamburgers? That place is pathetic.

Listen, here's a good description of a Chicago-style dog from Wikipedia. Maybe you can learn something:

A Chicago-style hot dog is a steamed or boiled all-beef hot dog on a poppy seed bun, which originated in the U.S. city of Chicago, Illinois. The hot dog is topped with mustard, onion, sweet pickle relish (usually neon green), a dill pickle spear, tomato slices or wedges, sport peppers, and a dash of celery salt; but never ketchup.

So Iowa City, there you have it. That's all I wanted to say. I'm sorry if it hurt, but you need to be aware of the dire hot dog situation that you have let get out of hand. I don't blame you because you didn't know any better. Now I hope that you will go and right this horrible wrong.

Love,
Kevin

Beef of Champions

This man does two things well; coach football and serve up

kick-ass steak. And he's retired from football.

On a recent trip to Miami, I had the pleasure of eating at Shula's Steakhouse, one of a chain of high end restaurants owned by Miami Dolphins' legendary coach Don Shula, who is best known for coaching the 1972 Dolphins to their undefeated and still unequaled (thank you, Eli Manning) championship season.

It is possible my stomach was biased, having eaten nothing that day save for a powdered eggs airport breakfast and a half a can of Pringles in flight, but if the food at Shula's was not the best meal I have ever eaten, it was at least good enough to fill out the other four spots in the top five collectively.

Realizing that most are not blessed with in-laws as remarkably generous as mine, who paid for the trip to Miami as well as the hefty check at the restaurant (Shula's will set you back about 50-60 dollars a plate) there is a way which one can attempt to recreate the experience of eating at Shula's in their own backyard, though the recreation will likely not include the 15 minute presentation of various cuts of beef by a Cuban waiter with perfectly coifed hair and a slight lisp. But I digress.

To achieve "Coach Shula's Favorite Steak" you will need the following:

1 charcoal grill (apparently Coach Shula favors the flavor from coals)
1-2 Angus porterhouse steaks (pricey cuts of meat; substitute a lesser cut at your pleasure, but it probably won't fly with the coach)
2 tablespoons melted butter
and the coach's seasoning salt made from a combination of:
3 tbsp salt
1 tsp white pepper
1 tsp sweet paprika
3/4 tsp granulated garlic
1/2 tsp dried thyme

The coach recommends letting the steak sit at room temp for 15 minutes prior to coating with the seasoning and then grilling to your desired temperature. Remove from the grill, brush with butter, and garnish with watercress. Congratulate yourself on achieving a championship quality meal.

Spring Cleaning (Snow Cordially Asked to Leave)

I peered out the window, fully prepared for clouds. I was even ready to accept drizzle. But what I found was so much more heinous, so fully obscene, I could nearly bear it. Snow. In mid-April. Oh, Iowa.

I seldom ventured outside that solemn Saturday. How could I? By some stroke of fate, what I found inside my cupboards suited me just fine. I managed to make lemonade out of a thoroughly lemony day, with the help of some errant lentils. Rummaging in my pantry, I found not one, not two, but three bags of lentils kicking about in the back. I wasn't really in the mood for soup. But what else does one do with the humble legume?

One makes hummus, it turns out.















I found a recipe on Epicurious for a simple lentil hummus, one made with all the makings of the traditional spread but replacing the chickpeas with lentils. Within minutes, my kitchen reeked of garlic and lemon and tahini, and the grayish sludge was dripping from all extremities. It's not exactly the most glamorous of processes, but the reward was sweet: Creamy, flavorful hummus with just a slightly different tang. It didn't bear that sandpapery texture so sadly endemic to lentils, nor did it have the stiffness of a (yawn) chickpea variety. It was, in short, the best of all (Middle Eastern) worlds.
















By the time the sky cleared on Sunday, my fingers had lost the pungent aroma. My pantry was one bag of lentils cleaner. My refrigerator bore the remnants of a dinner fit for a sultan. And, best of all, I think all that garlic scared away the snow.

Panda Express v. Sarku Japan

I'm picky when it comes to take-out Chinese food. In fact, I'm more than just picky--I'm unbearably harsh on its presentation, appearance, and, of course, flavor. So naturally I was amused by the dueling restaurants at the Coral Ridge Mall: Could fast-food Japanese really compete with the better-known Panda Express, a Chinese fixture in most American malls?

I was about to find out.

Each restaurant has its own signature dish. Panda Express is known for its orange chicken combination while Sarku Japan touts its own titan: Teriyaki chicken. I'm a fan of both, but since I've eaten at Panda Express a time or two (hey, I worked at the mall for a while), I decided on Sarku Japan. I don't know if I'll ever visit Panda Express again.

Sarku Japan isn't really Japanese food. The chicken Teriyaki combination (99 cents more for double meat, I might add), is essentially chicken on rice. Sure, you have your options of fried and white rice, and they'll put vegetables on top, too, but it's about as authentic to Japan as Taco Bell is to Mexico. Either way, though, it's delicious.

I enjoy any Teriyaki dish, but I can never get the flavor combination right when I make it at home. Sarku Japan has, in my opinion, the best sauce of that variety I've ever tried, and they'll splash an additional spoonful over the rice if you ask. For $8, you can order their finest special with double meat, rice, and a fountain drink large enough to hold most of the water flowing through the Mississippi River. Yeah, it's that big.

Sarku Japan serves its food on a Styrofoam plate (no love for the environment here), but will box it for to-go orders if requested. And for those Panda Express loyalists who might be nervous switching teams, I've seen their manager working at the register at each restaurant--for all I know, he may own both. What a clever guy.

Sarku Japan, for fast food, is the most satisfying Japanese food I've ever had--well, at least the most satisfying to be served with a plastic fork. It just goes to show that, even in a mall's food court, you can find a gem among the burgers and fries.

Saloon, A Place to Try

My preexisting impression of the bar/restaurant Saloon was that it is a great place for nightlife and comical karaoke on Wednesday nights. But recently I got to know their food selections very well in a matter of one day.

I first tried their “saloon tacos” one night and was very pleased by the sophisticated plate that came my way. They are white and in the shape of squares or rectangles, reminding what gourmet cuisines are prepared on for Iron Chef. Though I was excited for the presentation, I soon realized that their tacos were very spicy. I love spicy food, but it was almost overwhelming for a taco. On the other hand, I was impressed by the amount of salsa and queso that is served in one order; they are served in regular sized bowls.

The next day I found myself eating out in their patio. I figured that I just had their southwestern take of tacos, so I wanted to try something different. They serve mostly southwestern food with certain “chef specialties,” which are priced from $9 and up. So I decided to stay at a reasonable price and had a hamburger. Though the burger was atypical for a southwestern restaurant, the bun had a tasty, buttered seasoning on the flip side and the burger was extremely tasty and done just right. They accompany it with waffle fries, which are already salted to perfection. Though I was pleased, my dinner companion had the Tortilla soup and was disappointed that it was prepared unusually and the soup itself was nothing to brag about. They should have read the menu closer to know all of the ingredients, but they were not impressed by the unique additions of sour cream and avocado to the soup.

All in all, Saloon is great for its unique take on food.

M.A.C.

I know what you might be thinking: "I thought it was F.A.C." Or maybe you're thinking, "Monday After Class? Is that a club for Iowa City's best and brightest alcoholics?" Or maybe you're thinking, "Mickey's After Class? Yeah, I know all about that." If you chose the latter, then you are correct. Also, if you chose the latter, you can probably stop reading now.

Micky's Irish Pub is located at 11 S. Dubuque St. in Iowa City. This place has great food. I have been coming here since my freshman year (I'm now a senior), and I am consistently satisfied with each and every visit.

Micky's has specials on food and drink everyday during the week. Here's a listing of all the specials. It wasn't until recently that I had finally tried their Micky's After Class special.

M.A.C. deals are as follows:

Monday-Friday from 2pm-5pm
$2.50 burgers
$2.50 chips and salsa
$2.00 margaritas (lime, strawberry, boysenberry, or pomegranate)
$2.00 domestic pints


Pretty sweet, huh? Unfortunately, the $2.50 burgers are just burgers, not burger baskets, which means they don't come with fries. My girlfriend and I decided to split a full order of fries, which costs $3.00, but only comes to $1.50 between two people, so it's still a really good deal. You can also get a half order of fries for $2.00.

We also split an order of chips and salsa. The salsa was delicious and tasted very authentic, but the whole time I couldn't help but think that if we were at Los Portales, we'd be getting unlimited chips and salsa for free. Still though, between two people, it's not a big deal.

Each of us ordered a margarita. I had lime, she had strawberry. Both were good and strong, and the salt around the rim is lime flavored, which is a nice touch. My only complaint is that they don't have frozen margaritas, but I'm not picky. I think next time I'll have to be a little more adventurous and try the boysenberry or pomegranate.

Along with a bowl of Mickey's free popcorn, the two of us had a feast. We were stuffed and still had leftovers. Since M.A.C. runs on Monday thru Friday, I think I know where I'll be going to eat and pre-game for F.A.C.

Take me out to the ballgame!

On Tuesday, April 1, the Hillcrest Marketplace at the University of Iowa switched gears for a night and offered a special baseball-themed menu in honor of the beginning of the 2008 season. Gone were the usual offerings of pot roast and mashed potatoes. Instead, Hebrew National hot dogs (with all the toppings, including chili and cheese), walking tacos, soft pretzels, and, yes, even deep-fried pickles were offered as an alternative. For dessert, diners were treated to cotton candy, snow cones, and Cracker Jack--a baseball essential.

Sure, most locals will avoid the Marketplace (it's just a fancy word that sounds better than cafeteria), but Burge and Hillcrest do occasionally offer up a few surprises every now and again. Tuesday night was a perfect example of what a little creativity can do. Inflatable baseballs and bats sat atop the sneeze guards and a large sign proclaiming "Play Ball!" was taped to the wall nearest the entrance. And, of course, the food was good too.

Walking tacos, an ingenious little item, consists of a crushed bag of Doritos (or, as was the case yesterday, Fritos), topped with taco meat (or spicy chicken), cheese, lettuce, or whatever else you want. Served with a fork, the idea is simple: As you walk around the park (or the cafeteria), you can eat your taco on the go without spilling everything on the inside. Thus, walking taco.

The only thing missing was baseball-themed songs or employees wearing baseball hats or other appropriate outerwear. Still, it's all about the food, isn't it? The Hillcrest Marketplace delivered nine full innings of fun last night (sorry about that lame excuse at humor). For those interested in learning more about their special meals, visit the Residential Dining website to see when the dueling marketplaces on campus will offer their next change-of-pace menu.

21st Birthday Fun at Los Portales

Over the weekend I attended my second-ever 21st birthday dinner at Los Portales, located at 1402 S. Gilbert St. in Iowa City. Based on these two experiences, I wish I had eaten there for my 21st birthday.

Los Portales serves authentic Mexican food and it is delicious. I recommend the having pollo fundido and one of their (very strong) margaritas if you get the chance.

Anyway, the first time I was there for a birthday was last May for my two friends who happen to be twins. Our waiter was extremely generous, both because it was their 21st birthdays and because one of them is a devout White Sox fan, which our waiter seemed to like. My friends each received a free shot of Patrón tequila, a margarita, and a margarita for their girlfriends, all for free. They also got to wear a sombrero the whole time. They each had numerous margaritas for which we paid as well, leading to each of my friends getting pretty tipsy. Good times.

This past Saturday, we went to Los Portales for my girlfriend's 21st birthday. This experience was even better. First off, there was a mariachi band. They played a couple birthday songs and we even received a solo performance from the guitar player with the two lazy eyes. We liked him a lot.

My girlfriend also had numerous margaritas and a shot of tequila for which we paid. Unlike the previous birthday dinner, she wasn't receiving all the free stuff throughout dinner like my other friends had. All of a sudden, five waiters surrounded our table. One placed a shot of tequila in a wine glass in front of her while another planted a black and gold sombrero on her head. They sang three or four quick birthday songs while she sat there, completely oblivious to what was coming next.

What she failed to see was that the waiter behind her was holding a bowl of whipped cream with chocolate sauce drizzled over it and a giant spoon. Just before they started chanting "Te-qui-la! Te-qui-la!" the waiter took the spoon with a big wad of chocolate covered whipped cream and put it right in her face. He did this two more times. I believe this completely disoriented her because it took her about twenty seconds to realize she was supposed take the shot. She too got a little tipsy.

Overall, if you want to have a good time for your 21st birthday, or really any birthday with a legal drinking age, you should have dinner at Los Portales. The waiters there will make sure you have fun and get a little drunk in the meantime.

Warning: Contains Crunchy Content

"What have you been up to, Margaret?"
"The usual, Mom. A little of this; a little of that. Let's see...well, I made granola last night."
(laughter from the other end of the phone)
"That's....er...nice, honey. Glad you're having fun. But uh, your dad and I have to get going. The frozen pizza's almost done."

To my parents, baking your own granola is about as, well, granola-crunching hippie as it gets. It's another one of her college "experiments," they sigh. She'll soon come around. Soon enough, she'll give in to a life of blissful ignorance, free of the guilt that organic-types plaster onto every Styrofoam cup or non-fair trade coffee bean they see. This crunchiness will soon pass.

Or so they think. They haven't dipped into the eternal spring of homemade cereals. Only then would they understand this "college experiment" will stick with me. For if, as they surmise, granola baking is a sure sign of unabashed hippie-dom, I'm guilty.

Homemade granola is just too good to leave to Phish fans and Bonnarooo road trips.

I have been perfecting my recipe over the last year, ever since my roommate's mom first bestowed upon us a jarful. It's a continual work in progress. Granola, thank God, is foolproof. The ingredients are as simple — or complicated — as I want. The necessities: oatmeal, honey, and vegetable oil. The extras: sunflower seeds, coconut, brown rice syrup (totally excessive), nutmeg, and so on.

It's easy, it's cheap, your house smells like peace and love, and you get serious hippie cred, to boot. What's not to love?

Granola

• 1/2 cup vegetable oil
• 3 oz. butter, melted
• 1/3 cup honey
• 2 Tbsp. brown sugar
• 1 tsp. vanilla
• 1 tsp. cinnamon
• 3 cups regular oatmeal (not instant)
• 1/4 cup nuts (walnuts, pecans, almonds, or a combination)
• 1/4 sunflower seeds, shelled
• 1/4 unsweetened flaked coconut

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. In a rimmed baking sheet, combine oil, butter, honey, brown sugar, vanilla, and cinnamon. Stir in oatmeal, nuts, seeds, and coconut until everything is well-coated. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden brown. Granola will crisp as it cools.

Yield: one big jar of granola.